Saturday, December 17, 2005

An Army Of Like One, Dude

The Air Force recruiting slogan used to be "Aim High". The Army has their own interpretation of that sentiment that goes something like: "Aim low. That way if you miss you can blame it on bad aim."

My favorite quote in the article is from some officer talking about what recruiters are doing to bolster the ranks. "They're spending more time now talking to high seniors...asking about what they are doing next summer." High seniors? Yes, kids these days are known to smoke the weed. Luckily, our Army is apparently in need of stone-faced stoners to root out the insurgents and then fire up a big fat bong with them.

I imagine talking to these high seniors might go something like:

High Senior: Next summer? I dunno. My friend said he could get me this job at McDonald's. My girlfriend works at Blockbuster right next to it. It's cool, you know. My parents are cool with me doing whatever I want, so that's cool. Why, is there a party or something?

Recruiter: Actually, I was hoping you might want to join the Army and help fight the war on terror in Iraq.

High Senior: Oh. Yeah, um...It kind of looks, like, bad there? Plus I think my girlfriend really wants me to try for that job at McDonald's. Thanks though. Dude, you got any weed?

Friday, December 16, 2005

A Christmas Cat

This young lady showed up at our neighbor's house. Of course they started feeding her but can't keep her because their daughter is allergic. Yadda, yadda, yadda...we have a cat in our garage. She would be in the house but our three other wolverines might eat her. Her name is Flower, courtesy of the little neighbor girl. She is about six months old and very friendly and vocal. As seen in the below photo, she even loves to eat out of my namesake bowl! If any of the five readers in blogland want to give a nice cat a nice home for the holidays, I will pay your initial vet costs and throw in a supply of my shamelessly branded bowls! How can you resist that face?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Goodbye Land Of The Free, Hello Home Of The Brave

A few examples of how, and rightfully why, "free" media is dying an agonizingly slow death. Let's clarify our working definition of "free" as it relates to media. Free of subscription fees, but subsidized by commercials and subject to the whims of their revenue stream and the scourge of regulatory agencies.
1. Premium cable channels are the Elysian Fields of television shows that are too smart or edgy for all those viewers in flyover country.
2. Pay-per-view. What you want, when you want it. Now you can see everything that E! couldn't get away with. I'm scared.
3. Seriously? People watch this?
4. I couldn't resist. As you are reading this, terrestrial radio is wheezing out its last breaths.
Pay media is already here. Unless you watch three local television broadcasts via an antenna/tinfoil receiver, you're paying for PAX, Lifetime, and CSPAN. Why not pay for something you'll actually watch? Your brain thanks you.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Love Me Tender

I drove by this ridiculously named business today.

One kid? Just add $199!
Two or more kids? Only $499 more!
Ask about our discounts for marriages of three months or less!
Get divorced before December 31st and receive a FREE pre-nup for your next visit!

How many of the Store's clientele exchanged their sacred vows in front of The King? He must be rolling over in his extra-large coffin.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Friday, December 02, 2005

You've Got Mail (unfortunately)

Sick of digging through pounds of junk mail? Me too. I completed my mission of getting our address removed from every available marketing list that I could find. Here are the results of my exhaustive phone, email, and letter campaign. You will not find a more comprehensive or accurate list on the internet. I guarantee it. Total time investment for you: 30 minutes. Total monetary investment: 37 cents. Don't worry, catalog shoppers, existing business relationships with your stores will not be harmed.

ADVO. They sell your name and address to local stores for inclusion of circulars with your mail. Usually accompanied with a missing kid postcard so they can meet addressing requirements. 860.285.6100

Trimerged credit opt out. For removal of your name and anonymous creditworthiness from all three bureaus. Click or call 888.5 OPT OUT.

Direct Marketing Association. This is the only letter you will need to mail, but definitely the most important. This is the secret password to get you off hundreds of lists you never even knew existed. It works, but give it about six months to see a reduction in junk mail. If you only do one on this list, this is the one.

Val-Pak Coupons. You will have to put in the delivery code from a mailing to get off their list. Sneaky little creatures, they are. 888.797.1896

Abacus, a Division of DoubleClick, Inc. They track you across the internet with cookies. Just put your name, address and OPT OUT in the message body. 303.410.5100

Acxiom CIMS. Same as Abacus.

AOL. If I get another stupid CD…The best about these idiots and their horrible service is that the kid asked me if I wanted to sign up for an account after I told him to take me off the mailing list. 800.605.4297

Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Ed, you look even worse than your mailings.

Haines and Company. Ask for Ms. Pat Lefferts. Get a kick out of her smoker’s voice.

The trees thank you. And thanks to JunkBusters for getting me started.